Tuesday, December 20, 2022

Chanuka Questions of the Year 2022


Q. Tattie, how did we defeat the Yevanim?

A. With Hashem’s help!

Q. So why did we need the Maccabim?

A. They were just soldiers, Hashem helped them and Baruch Hashem we won.

Q. The Maccabim were soldiers?!

A. Yes, they were soldiers in the army of Hashem.

Q. So they were Chabdniks?

A. No, no! Chas v'shalom! They were yeshivish.

Q. Did Yehuda Hamaccabi fight? With a weapon?

A. Yes.

Q. So Yehuda Hamacabi was a goy or not religious?

A. Chas v'shalom, why would you think he was a goy or not religious?

Q. Because only goyim or non-religious Jews go to the army.

A. No, no, in the past religious people also went to the army.

Q. So why did the Maccabim go to the army and we don't?

A. Because today our Torah protects us.

Q. And then their Torah didn't protect them?

A. I think it’s time for you to go learn with Moishie.

Q. Did the Maccabim learn Torah?

A. Of course! They learned Torah all the time!

Q. They didn't work for a living?

A. Chas v'shalom!

Q. So how did they have money?

A. Well they worked a very little, teeny bit.

Q. Off the books in secret like Uncle Yanky?

A. No!

Q. So what did Mattisyahu do?

A. He was a farmer.

Q. So how did he work in the fields with his white shirt?

A. How do you know he wore a white shirt?

Q. Moishie told me that a real Jew only wears white shirts.

A. You spend too much time with Moishie, but he is right.

Q. What did the Maccabim want?

A. They wanted an independent Jewish state that they would run.

Q. Is this what we want?

A. That is something that Zionists want.

Q. Tattie, I want to be a soldier, a farmer and a Zionist!

A. Gevalt!!! What happened to you?!


Anonymous said...


We took a massive wrong turn somewhere in Europe in the 19th Century

Anonymous said...

What a cheap spin on the Hanukkah story. Are you trying to compare a secular army to the kohen gadol and his son's. And where did you pick up your story about matityahu being a farmer. Kohanim lived off terumos and maSer

Dusiznies said...

You scribble:
" Are you trying to compare a secular army to the kohen gadol and his son's"

You obviously don't know the Chanukah story. According to the Mahral it wasn't only the Sons that were fighting, in fact the Mahral writes that this war went on for years way after this story. According to practically all Rishonim many Jews fought in these battles. In fact, all the findings in the archeological digs in and around Modiin and the north, shows that many Jews took part in the revolution.
Hey tzaddik? What about R' Akiva's army? Bar Kochba? Were they all frum?
Learn your history first then re=read the parody

Anonymous said...

If you did shemone esra today you said reshaim beyad tzadikim temayim beyad tehorim etc. This is what we celebrate and remember for 2000 years.

Anonymous said...

Just a test

Dusiznies said...

Exactly all those in the army were tzaddikim ..like today .. all those willing to put their lives on the line and protect the likes of you are tzaddikim.

Anonymous said...

Exactly Dusiznies,
Read פלע יועץ under הצלה

Parasite learning in Brisk said...

So why are the "tzaddikim" not joining the IDF? Why don't they make their own unit like the Hesder Yeshivois and join the army? The answer is they want the mothers of chilonim to God Forbid mourn their children, and then they can call those children in uniform, Nazi!