DIN: I am bringing you a debate between Rabbi Yair Hoffman who is in favor and emailimbatorah who writes that there is no obligation to light a candle at the yurzeit or by the grave site , and he questions where this minhag came from.
Personally, I have a good feeling lighting a candle in memory of my parents, and I feel I'm doing something good for their neshama.
But having read Rabbi Hoffman's side, I am completely taken aback as he brought absolutely zero proof for his argument? All he writes is that a child has an obligation to honor his father even in death, but what does lighting a candle have anything to do with?
Rabbi Yair Hoffman for the Five Towns Jewish Home
It is the custom within the community, Klal Yisroel, to light a Yahrzeit candle on the day that a relative had passed away. This article will discuss the reasons for it, but first – a tefillah:
The lighting has no accompanying blessing, and I am sure that many people find themselves looking for something appropriate, some way to express themselves in a prayer when lighting the candle. This is not only true on a Yahrzeit but whenever Yom Tov comes as well and Yizkor is said.
The author of the Peleh Yoetz, Rabbi Eliezer Papo (1785–1828), did in fact compose such a prayer. Rav Papo was the Rabbi of the city of Selestria in Bulgaria. Bulgaria was a part of the Ottoman Empire at the time. The Tefillah of the Pelehe Yoetz is reproduced in Hebrew and translated below, as a public service.
הריני מדליק נר זה למנוחת ולעילוי נשמת אבי מורי (אמי מורתי) ____ בן ____
תפילה הנמצאת בספר אלף המגן מבעל הפלא יועץ על פרשת ויצא עמוד כ”ד
יהי רצון מלפניך ה’ אלקינו ואלקי אבותינו, שתקבל ברחמים וברצון כל מעשה הטוב שאני עושה, בין במחשבה, בין בדיבור, בין במעשה ויהיה הכל לזכות ולמנוחת ולעילוי לנשמות עמך ישראל, ובפרט לנפש רוח של (אמי/אבי/נפטר) _____. יהי רצון שתהיינה נפשותיהם צרורות בצרור החיים.
Behold I am lighting this lamp for the rest and uplifting of the soul of my father (or deceased), my teacher _______ the son of _______.
May it be Your will before you, Hashem our G-d and the G-d of our forefathers, that all my good deeds whether in thought, speech or action be done for a merit and a resting and an elevation of the souls of your nation Israel. It should be especially for the soul of my mother/father/ deceased _____. May it be Your will that their souls be bound in the bond of life.
THE REASONS
Please note that much of the information below is found in Rav Aharon Levine’s wonderful sefer called “Kol Bo L’Yartzeit (Vol. I Chap. 1).”
• It is a fulfillment of the Mitzvah of V’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha. Rav Yitzchok Isaac Sherr zatzal Leket Sichos Mussar (p 329) cites three sources for the application of this Mitzvah to parents. The Zohar (Raya Mehemnusa Dvarim page 281a) writes that we are obligated to love our parents as we do ourselves, for their love is equated to the love of Hashem. The Sefer Chareidim 9:37 writes that loving them is part of the Mitzvah of honoring them. The Chayei Odom 67:1 also writes that we are obligated in loving them. The matter is of some debate, however, as the Maharal in his Chidusshei Agados 31a seems to be of the opinion that there is no greater obligation to love parents more so than other Jews.
• It is a fulfillment of Kivud Av v’aim. The Gemorah Kiddushin 31b explains that the Rabbis taught- You honor him in his lifetime and you honor him after death. Both Dayan Weiss (Minchas Yitzchok Vol. III #136:9) and the Tzitz Eliezer (Vol XII 59:3) are of the opinion that Kivud Av v’Aim after death is also biblical.
• It is an obligation of Hakaras HaTov – recognizing the good that one had received from another. This is particularly true that we should recognize all that parents have done for us on a day that we have the ability to give merit to their neshama and assist in their receiving greater reward.
• It brings a Kapparah, an atonement for the Neshamos. The Arizal in his Shaar HaKavanos writes that the Neshama’s record is reviewed on the day of the Yarhrtzeit. Thus when the children do maasim tovim, learn Torah, say kaddish and do other Mitzvos, this atones for anything the Neshamah might have done.
• It brings an elevation for the Neshama. Even if the Neshama was free of sin, there are different aspects of performances of Mitzvos that are taken into account when the Neshama reaches the upper realms. Observance of the Yahrtzeit assists in elevating the Neshama [See Panim Yafos on B’haaloscha “Kach es hal’viim].
• It is a fulfillment of Hashavas Aveidah. The Gemorah in Sanhedrin explains that saving one’s life is a fulfillment of returning a lost object. Certainly this would be so in regard to restoring the soul to a loftier level.
• It avoids violating Lo Saamod al Dam Rayacha. The Torah tells us not to stand idly by one’s brother’s blood. If we just ignore an opportunity to place a parent on a higher spiritual level – this is tantamount to standing idly by another’s blood.
• It is the fulfillment of the obligation to perform Chessed. The greatest Chessed is the one that is done to someone that cannot return the favor. Those that are the shochnei afar – cannot repay anyone. Observing a Yahrtzeit is thus one of the greatest Chassadim.
• It counteracts the Raya Mazlei of the Neshama. When a Neshama ultimately passes away, there is a Raya Mazlei aspect to him. Although we say Ain mazal l’yisroel – at times there are elements that effect the mazal too according to some Rishonim. Observing the Yahrtzeit through the act of free choice of his descendents – counters that force.
• It is proper to be pained on that day. This is the day that we have lost a parent. It is wrong not to feel pain on that day.
• It commemorates the day of one’s loss. Only when we truly know the pain of losing something do we truly appreciate the value of what we have. We can appreciate the gifts that Hashem has given us when we commemorate and understand the loss.
• It affords one to empathize with the pain of the parent. Empathy is a very human characteristic that Hashem wants us to develop. On the day of the Yahrtzeit we are empathizing with them.
• It strengthens our belief in Tchiyas HaMeisim. One of the pillars of Torah true Judaism is the eventual restoring of the dead. Also, if we ponder the gift of the yearly seasons, we see how things that wither away eventually come back. This helps us in our belief in Techias HaMeisim. The same is true with a Yahrtzeit – it helps entrench within us the fundamentals of our emunah.
There is no mention anywhere in ש”ס, רמב”ם,טור,שו”ע about
lighting a candle on the day of a Yahrzeit.
The Mishna in Ms.Brachos (53a) that says not to use a נר של מתים
for הבדלה, refers to a candle used for the Levaya etc.
and not a Yahrzeit candle, which probably may be used for הבדלה.
The Gemoro כתובות ק”ג ע”א Rebbie left a צוואה with his
sons to have a candle burning at the table refers to Shabbos candles
and not Yahrzeit candles.
The first mention of נר נשמה is probably the כל בו in Hilchos Yom Kipurim.
The כל בו writes to light a נר for deceased parents, on Erev Yom Kippur, so they will have a כפרה. The parents have a כפרה, because of ברא מזכה אבא, Mitzvohs a child does benefit the deceased parents.
The טור writes (630) There is a special Inyan to have lots of candles in Shul on Yom Kippur. In the olden days, the largest and one of the few expenses a Shul had, was נר למאור. Beeswax was a very expensive commodity.
It is possible, the חכמים tried to entice people to donate נר למאור therefore attached the special Segulah of כפרה for the מתים, a Siman Tov for the living and the Pasuk of נר ה’ נשמת אדם for a Yahrzeit candle.
The Chasam Sofer (Shu”t #6:27) writes he is unaware of a so-called מצוה רבה to light Yahrzeit candles at home or even at the קבר.
The ביאור הלכה ס’ תקיד quotes from the שו”ת כתב סופר (O.Ch65) that
“on Yom Tov when we may not light a נר של בטלה ( a candle that has no purpose) it is best to light the Yahrzeit candle (if it wasn’t lit before Yom Tov) in the room where you eat (purpose) or even better, to light it in Shul. (Mitzvah)
Only for a שעת הדחק may we light a Yahrzeit candle for parents since it’s done for their honor (כיבוד אב ואם)
According to the מהרש”ל even though lighting a candle for parents may not be a Mitzvah, but since everybody lights candles and some are even מקפיד on this more than other Mitzvos, therefore, we allow him to light the candle on Yom Tov, so he will not be מצטער and have no Simchas Yom Tov.