Taking on Rabbi Efram Goldberg's Parenting Advice

by Yaakov of VIN

If my child were attending camp hundreds of miles away, and he called and asked me to pick him up…I would be out the door before pressing “End”.

And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Several weeks ago, Rabbi Efrem Goldberg wrote an article in Mishpacha about what he called “well-meaning parents” who “swoop in and rescue” their kids, rather than teaching them responsibility.

Rabbi Goldberg wrote: “Earlier this summer, after receiving a call from his daughter in tears complaining about mean counselors and other issues, a concerned Jewish father in the UK flew 360 miles by helicopter to pick her up and bring her home. But he isn’t the only one guilty of helicopter parenting. More and more, loving parents who mean well and are eager to help, protect, and support their children are swooping in to rescue them, rather than teaching them responsibility.”

We do not know the circumstances and context of that specific anecdote. Perhaps the girl was being abused and bullied? Maybe she was suffering panic attacks and needed professional attention? It is impossible to judge the father without knowing the facts.

That said, whatever the scenario, including ‘mere’ homesickness, I have no issue with a father who rescues a child in despair. He is doing what any loving parent would. If your child is suffering, and they ask you for help, you help. Period.

Who said there is a contradiction between rescuing kids and teaching them responsibility?

Yes, some parents micromanage in an unhealthy way.

But it is crucial to distinguish between parents who are “too caring” (I believe there is no such thing), and parents who are too controlling.

Rabbi Goldberg observed that one of the greatest challenges of our younger generation is their unwillingness to take “achrayus” – ownership. He pointed to “helicopter parenting” which has become a popular trend, leading to children who fail to take control of their own lives.

While I agree there is a systemic and unhealthy lack of achrayus among the younger generation, including in our community, I am not ready to accept that parents who rescue their children are leading to this phenomenon.

Assuming a family is healthy and functional, what is the basis to claim that this (loving) behavior leads to an unhealthy dependency on parents, and a lack of achrayus?

Lack of responsibility does not come from any single act. It is a mindset, a perspective, which comes from years of upbringing. If a parent constantly steps in for every little need, and never teaches the child to take ownership, that will send a strong and unhealthy message.

If, however, at times of distress, a parent comes to the rescue, I do not believe that is unhealthy or leads to problems. On the contrary, if my parent gets on a chopper and flies hundreds of miles for me, I would feel taken care of, and be shown an amazing support system.

Rabbi Goldberg continued: “This trend in general society, like many others, has infiltrated our frum community, with parents running interference in countless areas of life. For example, when I was a child, on parent-teacher night, children were nervous and anxious; concerned parents would come home with criticism and consequences. Today, it is educators, rebbeim, and morahs who are often anxious, having to engage parents who are critical of them and defensive of their children.”

There is a big gap between being “critical” of teachers and “defensive of children”. I try hard to defend my children, when it is justified. That does not mean that I criticize their teachers. I simply want what is best for my child.

I personally feel that the current trends on parent-teacher nights are much healthier than when I was a child. The “old school” method was for parents to remain mostly hands-off and uninvolved with what went on in the classroom. They trusted teachers to do what was best for their children.

That system is fine when the teacher is right and the student is wrong (assuming there is a conflict). However teachers are human and they have biases. They also have a stressful job and many students to deal with. Sometimes blaming the child for bad behavior or poor grades is the easiest track, rather than figuring out how to teach better.

In the old days, parents generally accepted the teacher’s version (no wonder kids were stressed!). Nowadays, parents question the teacher’s version of things, listen to both sides, and try to defend their children.

There are instances when a teacher can “take achrayus” over a student’s failures, as opposed to blaming the child. I personally know of situations where a child was justified in their behavior, yet the teacher chose to pick on a child, and use them as a scapegoat. It may be subtle, and it may be the outlier, and I believe most teachers are genuine and caring, however children deserve to have their parents as advocates, not someone who accepts criticism blindly. (This is in no way meant to be critical of teachers, for whom I have immense respect).

Do we parents sometimes get carried away? Absolutely. Is it better to have a system where parents keep an open mind, and act as protectors, while sometimes getting carried away, as opposed to a mindset of “the teacher is always right”? I would venture to say yes. (As a former Rebbi, I am aware that many parents tend to have a kneejerk reaction that their child is always right, and they can be biased and narrow-minded, and I agree that is not acceptable. However I still contend that the current approach is way better.)

So what is the answer? How do we instill in our children a sense of achrayus?

Let me first admit that I’m not sure. Just because I believe something is NOT the solution, does not mean I have an alternative to offer.

With that said, here are some ideas. As in many areas of parenting, this must begin at a young age. Children learn by example. If they see parents and Rebbeim taking achrayus, they will hopefully follow suit. I try to avoid asking my children for small favors. If I need something from a different room, I usually get up myself, rather than asking my child. I do not know for sure, however I suspect that this sends the message that I solve my own problems.

In addition, it is important to take advantage of little everyday scenarios–when there is no crisis–and teach children about achrayus. And it’s important to remember that in chinuch, subtlety and nuance rule the day.

I have almost never directly answered a question that my child asks me without first saying, “What do you think?”

If they ask me what bracha to make or how to spell a word, that is always my first reply, and they often get it right themselves. When we leave the house, my children inevitably leave the front door open, even if they are the last one out. I can easily close it myself, however I prefer to gently remind them, “can you please close the door?”

In addition, my wife and I do not micromanage our children’s lives. Sure, we will step in when they ask us for help, however we give our children autonomy at a young age. While we set boundaries, they are loose enough that our children feel a great deal of control over their lives.

They can mostly eat what they want, even if it makes us cringe. They can spend their recreational time mostly however they want, as long as it is a kosher and not too unhealthy activity. (We do not force them to read etc. if they are not interested). They are allowed to waste time, and do not feel like we are breathing down their backs.

Now, this “laid back” approach may have a downside. Perhaps the child won’t feel the same pressure to maximize productivity or spend time in the most meaningful way?

Perhaps. But it seems equally plausible that if a child is productive because of outside pressure, the achievement and success will only last as long as the pressure is there. Once the child is on his own, they may break free of the “shackles” and abandon the productive behavior.

I believe (and my personal experience reaffirms this) that when a child is given the freedom to make their own choices, and even make mistakes, they will tend to take responsibility. Their parents are showing them the trust to make the right decisions, and allowing them the leeway to make mistakes. This will instill a sense of value and independence.

It may not be paying for a child’s bicycle or coming to the rescue that fosters dependence and lack of responsibility. It may be subtle yet powerful messaging, repeated year after year, of a parent who conveys to their child “I need to control your decisions, because you’re too young and inexperienced to make them on your own, and I do not trust you.”