e-mails.....
Dear Editor,
I write this as a father in pain. In pain because I love my daughter, I feel for her and when a parent is put in to a situation where their hands are tied and there is nothing they can do to help it makes something difficult that much worse.
Let me preface by saying I am not a new parent, this is not my oldest child I am writing about, I have BH been a parent for close to thirty years. In addition, I am not a parent who is convinced my child is perfect, the smartest or the best at everything she does, close but not perfect.
My daughter is in the 12th grade and is now going through the grueling, unfair ridiculous process of seminary applications and interviews. I am well aware that a year in seminary in Eretz Yisroel is not mandatory, tell that to her teachers that convinced her otherwise, but that is a conversation for another day.
We found out this week that none of the seminaries she applied for is willing to accept her. I have “no doubt” that they gave it serious consideration after all they gladly took her application fee. She is either too yeshivish, or not as scholastically achieved as they are looking for, or to use the politically correct term just simply not “a good fit”.
What have we come to that a good girl, who for all her years in school has never missed a homework assignment, never had an unexcused absence, never had a discipline problem, has taken school seriously, no cell phone, no internet, nothing. She has followed all the rules to perfection. Now she stands with a half year left to high school knowing she just doesn’t cut it.
Let me preface by saying I am not a new parent, this is not my oldest child I am writing about, I have BH been a parent for close to thirty years. In addition, I am not a parent who is convinced my child is perfect, the smartest or the best at everything she does, close but not perfect.
My daughter is in the 12th grade and is now going through the grueling, unfair ridiculous process of seminary applications and interviews. I am well aware that a year in seminary in Eretz Yisroel is not mandatory, tell that to her teachers that convinced her otherwise, but that is a conversation for another day.
We found out this week that none of the seminaries she applied for is willing to accept her. I have “no doubt” that they gave it serious consideration after all they gladly took her application fee. She is either too yeshivish, or not as scholastically achieved as they are looking for, or to use the politically correct term just simply not “a good fit”.
What have we come to that a good girl, who for all her years in school has never missed a homework assignment, never had an unexcused absence, never had a discipline problem, has taken school seriously, no cell phone, no internet, nothing. She has followed all the rules to perfection. Now she stands with a half year left to high school knowing she just doesn’t cut it.
I wonder how many girls over the years have been turned off from this process. How many girls have said to themselves, if after all these years of hard work the very system I have worked to be part of is now rejecting me? Well I will reject it as well.
When will those “in charge” wake up and realize they are not serving a purpose whatsoever, they are personally responsible for damaging the future mothers of Klal Yisroel. I don’t know what the percentages are but clearly more girls get rejected than get accepted, and what percentage of those rejected are damaged from the experience. A fool I am not, rejection and an application process are a necessity, but rejection has to be for a good reason.
When a seminary that demands application fees and tremendous amounts of money in tuition can not even give you a straight answer about anything, then one begs to wonder what their real motive of operation really is.
It is time for change!
I am from the lucky parents my daughter says whatever Hahem wants is what will happen.
Will you be?
LETTER #1
Dear YWN,
I had the opportunity to go to Seminary in Israel five years ago. I was the lucky girl who applied to three seminaries and got into all three. However, I still side with the father who wrote this letter about seminary rejectionand feel for him more than the seminary staff that have to go through the “terrible” choosing process.
I had a great year, yet I am confident to say that seminary is NOT a necessity.
Unfortunately, our society has created a system in which parents and girls think that seminary is a must! Because this has become the system, almost every single girl applies to multiple seminaries. With so many girls applying and a limited amount of seminaries, there is no doubt that we will have this issues. With Klal yisroel growing as a whole, the amount of seminary applicants each year will only increase making the problem that much worst! Therefore, if we want a solution to this problem we must first backtrack To solve the root of the problem.
What is the root of the problem?
The problem is, as I said earlier, that it became a MUST to go to seminary in Israel.
In my opinion, if a girl went to a good bais Yaakov school and comes from a functional torahdik home, there is no need for seminary. At this point, she should have the core values which will help her be a successful Jewish woman, mother, and wife. Besides- majority girls do not even go because they have a deep desire to go, they go because they are either afraid of the stigma of not going or they are just going along for the ride!
Although some girls gain a tremendous amount from seminary, I can say confidently that an equal amount do not.
This seminary process has gone way too far from the fact that every girl and parent feels the need for it.
Maybe, just maybe, if parents and girls can independently think about their need for seminary in isolation to what “everyone else” does, it can be proven that Seminary is not a MUST! This will narrow down the applicants to those who legitimately need and want the year and will by default reduce amount of applicants. Fewer applicants Leads to less rejected, which leads to less hurt and frustration in our community.
Name withheld upon request.
LETTER #2
Good morning,
I just want to weigh in on the seminary controversy.
I’m the oldest of eight and I have four younger sisters, one who is still in high school. When it came time for me to apply to seminaries, we got the usual speeches from our mainstream beis yaakov that if we don’t go, we might have trouble getting a shidduch. People will say, “What’s wrong with her? Why didn’t she go?”.
My parents were very reluctant. It was the year of the 2nd intifada and security was a concern, not to mention that financially, they just couldn’t afford it. They let me apply to one seminary that was known for its intense supervision, and though I got in, they ultimately decided that they just couldn’t do it. I ended up staying in Brooklyn, attended a local seminary for half the year, and started working on my degree.
I have to say that the scare tactics regarding shidduchim were completely unwarranted. Though my parents are not at all wealthy or connected, and I was not particularly beautiful or remarkable, I had no trouble with shidduchim and B”H have been supporting my husband and family while he learns in kollel for the past 14 years, kein yirbu! Additionally, the friends who also stayed in America for seminary year were similarly married with great shidduchim. (Not that there is any correlation necessarily, but my friends that are still single went to great seminaries in E’Y.)
When it came time for my sisters to go to seminary, my parents bowed to the pressure and sent them. Though 2/3 enjoyed their year, none of them believe that it was actually worth the money or the hype. One had such a terrible time, she came home early despite the reminstrations of her seminary that she would NEVER get a shidduch and would regret the decision forever. She had no problem with shidduchim and her only regret is that she stuck it out as long as she did.
Personally, I have absolutely no regrets about not going. I’m glad I didn’t waste that kind of money when my parents had a whole family to take care of. I ended up renting an apartment EY for our first year and a half of marriage, while my husband learned in the Mir. Rent there was cheaper than in NY and I got the EY “experience”.
This letter is to give a boost to the girls who are rejected or whose parents are against them applying. You don’t need it. You will not at all regret staying here and starting your “real” life. Don’t believe the scare tactics. Many, many families of boys out there respect a girl who makes this decision.
Name withheld upon request.
LETTER #3
The Truth About Seminary
I read the letter in Yeshiva World News that a father wrote about his daughter who was rejected from seminary. It was heartbreaking. I feel horribly that anyone would feel diminished or unworthy because they were not accepted into a certain program, school, seminary, or college. However, what was equally heartbreaking to me were the awful comments written in response to the article. Multiple people are calling seminaries a joke, calling them money-hungry, accusing them of being businesses that only want money and do not care for the girls at all. These accusations are not only untrue, but they are words of rechilus, whose only purpose is to spread hatred and discord among the Jewish people.
I went to seminary. For me, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life thus far. Many of my friends went to seminary. Some loved it and felt it was life changing, some enjoyed it but had more neutral experiences, and a few disliked seminary, feeling that it was not the right place for them to learn or grow. All of these girls are correct. Like all institutions, there is a not a one-size fits all. The principals of seminaries recognize this, and must make the best choice they can based on a short interview and limited bed space. The same process occurs with shidduchim, when we must make decisions about who to date based on a piece of paper and conversations with friends or rabbis.
In this kind of system, every person will experience rejection at one point, and it will hurt. It stinks. It’s painful for the person who is rejected and its painful for their loved ones. However, that doesn’t mean the rejected person should now start bashing every single person, or every shadchan. To accuse all seminaries of being money hungry, and to accuse the leaders of seminaries to be working for their own kavod, is simply unfair.
I have watched my seminary Rabbi, and he puts blood, sweat, and tears into trying to create an institution of love, acceptance, and growth. He’s certainly not doing it for the money. He’ll be the first to admit he struggles with the acceptance process, but he does his best, because he truly cares, and it shows. Ten years after seminary, I still turn to him for advice or chizuk.
To the father of the letter– give your daughter a hug. Remind her that she is equally wonderful whether she got into five seminaries, or none at all. Remind her that everything Hashem does is for a reason, and for the best. To everyone else–stop spreading baseless hatred over a system that, like all systems, has both good and bad. Unless you yourself were once a seminary head, you cannot understand or appreciate the challenges and work and effort these men and women invest in their schools. To say that all seminaries are bad and wrong is a disservice to hundreds of thousands of girls like me, who learned and grew and developed in seminary; who were changed for the better, who will grow up and be better wives, mothers, and people because of their experience.
