LETTER #2
Good morning,
I just want to weigh in on the seminary controversy.
I’m the oldest of eight and I have four younger sisters, one who is still in high school. When it came time for me to apply to seminaries, we got the usual speeches from our mainstream beis yaakov that if we don’t go, we might have trouble getting a shidduch. People will say, “What’s wrong with her? Why didn’t she go?”.
My parents were very reluctant. It was the year of the 2nd intifada and security was a concern, not to mention that financially, they just couldn’t afford it. They let me apply to one seminary that was known for its intense supervision, and though I got in, they ultimately decided that they just couldn’t do it. I ended up staying in Brooklyn, attended a local seminary for half the year, and started working on my degree.
I have to say that the scare tactics regarding shidduchim were completely unwarranted. Though my parents are not at all wealthy or connected, and I was not particularly beautiful or remarkable, I had no trouble with shidduchim and B”H have been supporting my husband and family while he learns in kollel for the past 14 years, kein yirbu! Additionally, the friends who also stayed in America for seminary year were similarly married with great shidduchim. (Not that there is any correlation necessarily, but my friends that are still single went to great seminaries in E’Y.)
When it came time for my sisters to go to seminary, my parents bowed to the pressure and sent them. Though 2/3 enjoyed their year, none of them believe that it was actually worth the money or the hype. One had such a terrible time, she came home early despite the reminstrations of her seminary that she would NEVER get a shidduch and would regret the decision forever. She had no problem with shidduchim and her only regret is that she stuck it out as long as she did.
Personally, I have absolutely no regrets about not going. I’m glad I didn’t waste that kind of money when my parents had a whole family to take care of. I ended up renting an apartment EY for our first year and a half of marriage, while my husband learned in the Mir. Rent there was cheaper than in NY and I got the EY “experience”.
This letter is to give a boost to the girls who are rejected or whose parents are against them applying. You don’t need it. You will not at all regret staying here and starting your “real” life. Don’t believe the scare tactics. Many, many families of boys out there respect a girl who makes this decision.
Name withheld upon request.
LETTER #3
The Truth About Seminary
I read the letter in Yeshiva World News that a father wrote about his daughter who was rejected from seminary. It was heartbreaking. I feel horribly that anyone would feel diminished or unworthy because they were not accepted into a certain program, school, seminary, or college. However, what was equally heartbreaking to me were the awful comments written in response to the article. Multiple people are calling seminaries a joke, calling them money-hungry, accusing them of being businesses that only want money and do not care for the girls at all. These accusations are not only untrue, but they are words of rechilus, whose only purpose is to spread hatred and discord among the Jewish people.
I went to seminary. For me, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life thus far. Many of my friends went to seminary. Some loved it and felt it was life changing, some enjoyed it but had more neutral experiences, and a few disliked seminary, feeling that it was not the right place for them to learn or grow. All of these girls are correct. Like all institutions, there is a not a one-size fits all. The principals of seminaries recognize this, and must make the best choice they can based on a short interview and limited bed space. The same process occurs with shidduchim, when we must make decisions about who to date based on a piece of paper and conversations with friends or rabbis.
In this kind of system, every person will experience rejection at one point, and it will hurt. It stinks. It’s painful for the person who is rejected and its painful for their loved ones. However, that doesn’t mean the rejected person should now start bashing every single person, or every shadchan. To accuse all seminaries of being money hungry, and to accuse the leaders of seminaries to be working for their own kavod, is simply unfair.
I have watched my seminary Rabbi, and he puts blood, sweat, and tears into trying to create an institution of love, acceptance, and growth. He’s certainly not doing it for the money. He’ll be the first to admit he struggles with the acceptance process, but he does his best, because he truly cares, and it shows. Ten years after seminary, I still turn to him for advice or chizuk.
To the father of the letter– give your daughter a hug. Remind her that she is equally wonderful whether she got into five seminaries, or none at all. Remind her that everything Hashem does is for a reason, and for the best. To everyone else–stop spreading baseless hatred over a system that, like all systems, has both good and bad. Unless you yourself were once a seminary head, you cannot understand or appreciate the challenges and work and effort these men and women invest in their schools. To say that all seminaries are bad and wrong is a disservice to hundreds of thousands of girls like me, who learned and grew and developed in seminary; who were changed for the better, who will grow up and be better wives, mothers, and people because of their experience.