ESTI HAMILTON ANSWERS HER CRITICS

 

A cry for help from a survivor

 

DIN: She wasn’t a master story teller. She didn’t have a son’s grave to die on. She didn’t have a gun to shoot herself.

She died as she lived: powerless and in silence.

She didn’t get a mass funeral. She didn’t get a prominent obituary in the newspaper.

Shifra Horovitz Z”L.

Dear random anonymous person on the internet,

What if it were your daughter? Your sister? Your brother? Your best friend?

Would you still be out here screaming Lashon Hora? Innocent until proven guilty?

If you answered in the affirmative, you can stop reading now. You’re not my target audience. I’m looking for those who can actually stop defending for a second and just…..listen.

Because we really really need you to listen to us.

I needed you to listen, weeks ago when this story broke. When I tried to make you understand that multiple victims, with therapist and family corroboration, should be enough for you to stop shouting me down with that completely misused term “innocent until proven guilty”.

Shifra Horovitz, the Walder victim who so tragically ended her life today, needed you to listen. Not to defend. Not to ignore.

For my own healing, I promised myself that I wouldn’t check to see what you were saying about the Walder saga. That I wouldn’t allow myself to be triggered by the social media outrage machine or the frum press’ role in this. My inner voice told me that was a sign of growth; that it was self-compassion to not engage with opinions that may be unkind to abuse survivors like myself.

But even I couldn’t completely block you out.

Partly because well-meaning friends still shared some of the more outrageous takes, but more so because no matter how many years you’ve been in therapy, and how many thousands of hours spent practicing self-love, there is still a part of you that feels soothed when it hears “we believe you”. That inner child, wounded to the core, forever looking for reassurance and validation. The victim who spent years being told (and internalizing) how bad they were, will never tire of hearing “it’s not your fault. You are a good person. You are not lying.”

That’s what was so powerful about the communal response to this story. It marks one of the first times that large institutions in our society took a stand and said “we believe the victims”.

Every bookstore owner, every Yeshiva head, every publisher who grappled with this and chose to pull those books off their shelves deserves to be applauded.

Each and every one of those decisions was a brave one, and long overdue.

But our daughters and sons deserve better. A lot better. Shifra deserved better.

We deserve better than to have one of our premier gedolim describe Walder’s crimes as “adultery”, and to accuse of murder those who raised their voices against this monster. We deserve better than having to witness the sendoff he got; from the mayor of B’nei B’rak providing a eulogy, to the large crowd at his funeral, to the chief rabbi of Israel visiting the shiva house without at least putting out a statement for his victims.

And we deserve better than to have our news media refer to Walder as A”H or Z”L (of blessed memory), or to have the story completely ignored for weeks by most of the mainstream press in our circles.

Because every time our press chooses to not report on this, a survivor understands: “an image is more important to protect than a child”
Every time you say “It’s Lashon Hora”, survivors hear “your story shouldn’t be shared”.
Every time you say “innocent until proven guilty”, we hear “you are lying”.

There has to be a better way. Because silence is what enables these horrors to happen in the first place, talking about it openly is the only way to fight it.

And what exactly does “innocent until proven guilty” even mean in this context?

Does it mean that I was lying when I told my best friend when it happened? What if I told my mother? My therapist years later? What if all their stories matched up?
Would that be enough to convince you?

Because that’s what happened in Walder’s case. With multiple victims. And the loved ones they confided in. Yet the defenders still shout this well-meaning, but misguided slogan.

How can someone be “proven guilty”? Will a guilty verdict in court convince you? Because I don’t see that making much difference to Berland’s defenders.

Because there will always be excuses. We will aways find ways to explain away unpleasant evidence against those we care about: “That newspaper is out to get frum jews. A frum person could never get a fair trial in that system. Those leftists and their anti-torah agenda”.

And therein lies the heart of the matter.

It’s this “us vs. them” component. It’s what makes us so quick to rush to defend “one of ours”, against “them”. And it’s not a bad impulse. We all do it, or at least feel it. It’s that urge to defend someone we love from criticism. That quickening of the heart we feel when someone insults something we care about.

It’s a survival mechanism. Something we as a people likely had no choice but to adopt over millennia of persecution. It’s not evil. There are no villainous leaders in our society who decree that it be this way. It is a mechanism by which Hashem has enabled us to survive through exile.

But like any other adaptive and protective behavior, it can become pathologic. And when it does, it can harm people we care about. For example, anxiety about a test can be adaptive in that it pushes you to study. But if left unchecked, it can cause you to yell at your loved ones. It can make you neglect other important things in your life.

So I ask you, if you care about us- your fellow brothers and sisters- please un-circle your wagons for us. We understand the urge for wagon circling when hearing scary and potentially destabilizing things. But that must be balanced with the need for growth and change, so that others don’t suffer the same fate.

Please stop hiding behind slogans like “innocent until proven guilty”, because that’s never how that phrase was intended to be used. That standard is intended for our legal system. It is meant to protect people from miscarriages of justice by law enforcement.

This same system also has standards such as “beyond a reasonable doubt”. Which is another good thing. It protects the rights of people to a fair trial. But it also means that the vast majority of abusers will never face justice in a court of law. Because most cases cannot be proven to that level.

Which leaves survivors with very little recourse for justice. All we have is the court of public opinion. Where we can tell our stories, and others can use their own logic to determine whether our stories hold water.

Please don’t shout us down using those empty slogans. Give us a chance to speak our truths. Maybe even publish our stories in mainstream orthodox press. Most importantly, please just listen to us with love like you would for a member of your family.

Because we are your family

NAME WITHHELD TO PROTECT PRIVACY

Jewish Children Were murdered, raped and abused and YeshivaWorld Ami and Mishpacha ignore the story

 

When it comes to writing against Israel, AMI is 'Rosh Ve'Rishon" to report it.

 Reading this week's Ami you would never know that Chaim Walder sexually abused and raped countless Jewish children, and made himself a martyr by blowing his brains out in a cemetery.

 They had pleanty of time to report the story before going to press.

The Yeshiva World Blog has proven itself to be a bunch of cowards and their sponsors should be boycotted ASAP. There was no mention of the sex fiend Walder all week.

The women writers of AMI and Mispacha should tell the publishers if this story is not reported they will walk out! 

How many victims will have to take their lives until the frum world recognizes that their are monsters among us and must be exposed for who they are? How many?

A Tale of Two Funerals

 Thousands by the funeral of the Monster Man Walder

Barely a minyan by Shifra Hoffman 

Shira Horowitz A"H Victim of the Monster Walder TAKES HER LIFE

 

I'll bet that this is not enough proof for those bastards that commented that Walder was innocent and that all reports were fabricated.

It's time to cut out all those "Loshon Hara" sermons now! 

Rabbi Edelstein and other rabbanim now have blood on their hands!

״מפני שנתפרסם עליו כמה פעמים שעבר בשאט נפש על איסורין הידועין לכל ישראל שהוא אסור, כנאוף וכיוצא בזה,על איש כזה מותר לקבל לשון הרע״. (חפץ חיים הלכות לשון הרע כלל ז׳ הל׳ ה׳).

The Rabbis Are Trying to Rehabilitate Chaim Walder. Here's Why They Will Fail

 

Walder was accused of sexual assault, but upon his death he was upgraded by some Charedi leaders to the status of a martyr. The attempt to rehabilitate him will be another self-inflicted blow to the rabbis’ authority

by Anshel Pfeffer

 There’s a long list of issues that the ultra-Orthodox media is forbidden to report on. At the top of the list is anything to do with sex. For example, when U.S. President Bill Clinton faced impeachment in the Monica Lewinsky affair, Yated Ne’eman, the daily newspaper of the Haredi “Lithuanian” stream, reported that Clinton was in danger of losing his job for lying.

Consensual or coerced, sex is a completely taboo subject. Cases of rape will never be reported. At most, in very rare cases, there will be an oblique reference to “immoral behavior.”

 Another subject on the list of unmentionable topics is suicide 

WHEN THE RAPIST PLAYS THE ROLE OF VICTIM: CHAIM WALDER’S LAST PERFORMANCE

 

I have taken a few days to mull over the recent atrocious events leading up to the final attack of a rapist against his victims. Yes, I am talking about the dead. About a dead man. A man whose נשמה was dead way before his גוף.

Rapists have no soul. In its’ place is an abysmal emptiness that prowls to fill the void with cruel pleasure. And just like the addict who is never satisfied and keeps needing a new fix, so too, the rapist. Like CHAIM WALDER.

There are two types of rape. The one where a rapist grabs a random person and rapes her/him. Then there is the calculated rapist who knows the victim well, including all her/his vulnerabilities, grooms the victim, initiates the sexual relationship, and rapes her/him over and over. The latter is much worse, because as opposed to the random rape attack, the rapist who is well acquainted with the victim oftentimes turns her/him into a sex slave, to the extent that the victim believes in the attacker and may even develop romantic feelings for the attacker, manifested as the Stockholm Syndrome.

The clever experienced rapist will create all types of alibis and evidences (just in case…) even while the attacks are going on. This type of rapist is not just content to rape, but when bored with the victim will secure innocence by threatening the victim with the shame of exposure or legal repercussions.

Though this type of rape happens in the secular world, tragically it is very common in the Frum world. If there are any witnesses, they usually turn away and will even be defensive of the rapist. The victim has nowhere to turn. Until the day that she/he decides to stand up to her/his attacker. In most cases it will work against the victim, because the rapist will create an image of victimhood in an attempt to make the accuser appear as the predator! Sounds twisted, but those who are familiar with such cases, will agree.

Chaim Walder cleverly used his power to feed his pleasure for sexual force. And he did that for a very long time. Kol Hakovod to the holy Rabbonim who stood up for the victims and condemned the acts of Chaim Walder.

The takeaway lesson from this ugly tale is that even though we finally see that justice could have taken place, the rapist still made sure to have the last say. Chaim Walder wrote an arrogant suicide letter, calling the Rabbonim to a Bais Din in shamayim. Even in his last moments of life, the rapist left the world with the self-created image of a victim.

by Baila Sebrow

High School Girl in Bnei Brak Walks out on her Principal's "Loshon Hara" Speech

 

Loose translation:

In one of the Bnei Brak high school for girls the principal came into one of the classes to give them a speech about the sin of taking someone elses' life, on Loshon Hara and on embarrassing someone in public.

During this mussar speech a distraught girl got up and yelled while sobbing:

"embarrassing someone?" "Loshon Hara?" "how do you have the chutzpa to lecture us on this? I am a victim of sexual abuse ... me... how do you speak like this here?"

She then got up and left!

The class sat there dumbfounded but learned a lesson they will never ever forget!

This was but one school, one class and one girl who got up and spoke...

This black morning, in many classes, the girls got a musser speech like this, and you can be sure that at least one girl of each class was sexually abused yet kept quiet feeling guilty and blaming themselves even more!

The Time Chaim Walder Gave My Daughter a Present

 

13 years ago, my then first-grader Maayan came home from school one day bubbling with excitement. Her school had hosted a celebrity guest that day, one of her favorite writers: Chaim Walder! And that hadn't been all.

My oldest daughter, then a 5th grader, told me that during his presentation, Chaim Walder had asked all the girls what they wanted to be when they grow up: "A nurse!" "A teacher!"  "A lawyer!" girls called out. And then one little girl called out, "I want to be a mother with a lot of children!"

Chaim Walder, my oldest daughter told me, got a big smile on his face: "Who said that?" he asked, "That is so wonderful! Incredible!"

And her classmates pointed out my little Maayan, whom Chaim Walder proceeded to call to the front of the auditorium, took out a copy of his book Kids Speak 3, wrote her a personal dedication, and handed it to her as a gift.

How tragic that today this story that once seemed so sweet and innocent makes me absolutely shudder from a string of impossible what-ifs. What if Walder had taken my daughter to a separate room and touched her inappropriately,  even sexually assaulted her, G-d forbid, as he did so many others over the years?

 

Today, my youngest child, Yoni, came home from 1st grade and told me matter of factly, "Chaim Walder committed suicide yesterday. He took a gun and shot himself by his son's grave. Because he did bad things." 

Thanks to Chaim Walder so many children, like my own, who've grow up on his books have gotten introduced to all sorts of new words over recent weeks: adultery, sexual assault, rape, and now suicide.

Which reminds me that Chaim Walder's victims weren't only the girls, women, boys and men  he took advantage of and sexually assaulted over the years. He had many other victims as well. First and foremost, his own wife whom he betrayed so many times over the years. The ex-husbands and devastated children of the married women he conducted affairs with, leaving in his wake broken homes and lives.

And I think also, on a certain level, among his victims were you and me and our children, his loyal and trusting readers. We entrusted Chaim Walder with our children's hearts and minds and souls,  And he proved himself unworthy of that trust, thus betraying us and our children. Over and over again.

And now Chaim Walder is dead. Baruch Dayan HaEmet. Blessed be the true Judge.

Yonasan Schwartz the "Chizuk from the Parsha" Guy who sent a message that Walder was innocent ..Is the Distributer of Kids Speak

 

What a sick world we are living in...Everyone is corrupt!

From a reader:

Did you know that Yonasan Schwartz is the American distributor for W*lder’s books, and he paid *a ton* of 💰💰 for the rights to sell books that are now almost totally worthless and that the only reason (that we know of so far) he’s doing this is just plain old filthy greed?