An investigation by the British-based Jewish Chronicle reveals that dozens of charedi Israeli women are being brought to Britain and married off to abusive men. The women come from poorer families affected by illness, disabilities or family stigmas which prevent them from finding a shidduch in Israel. They are then brought to Britain and married off to men from wealthy families who are known to have a background of abuse, violence or even mental illness.
According to reporter Jane Prinsley, matchmakers often present the marriages as generous opportunities for the Israeli brides, a chance for them to wed into comfort and stability abroad. Many believe that their husbands will come back to Israel with them and do not realize that they intend to stay in Britain permanently. Not knowing any English and cut off from their family’s support, they are then subjected to physical and emotional abuse.
In the past six months, six such cases have come to light, but insiders believe the true number could be far higher. One expert helping domestic abuse survivors in the community said she has supported 12 women in similar circumstances in the last year.
In written testimony shared with the JC with the women’s permission, three Israeli survivors of abuse at the hands of their strictly Orthodox British husbands share their stories. The women described being deprived of their passports, not having a phone to contact others and basically being trapped in violently abusive relationships with no way of escaping their suffering.
When one of the survivors finally mustered the courage to show other women her bruises, they rejected her pleas for help and told her to put her arms away, claiming it was not “tznius” to show her body. This caused the survivor to lose her faith in the community’s way of life.
Eventually she succeeded in fleeing from her abusive husband, but only after being subjected to many forms of humiliating abuse. Now, having heard of many others who suffered a similar fate, she has chosen to speak out and help other women.
Unfortunately some of the women, ignorant about men and marriage, felt that the abuse was normal and to be expected, and even blamed themselves for their husband’s violent behavior. One of them even spoke to her rabbi, but received little support: “There was a lot I went through that he knew about, but he never asked more questions,” she said.
The all-encompassing shame surrounding divorce meant that she was reluctant to leave their marriages and was terrified that her parents would reject her out of shame if she returned to their home. Fortunately they did support her when she left her abusive husband.
“If a woman can hear that it’s not their fault, maybe that will give them something to think about and that maybe something is wrong. If my rabbi sent someone to me or suggested I go to someone as support, I would have felt more supported,” she says.
Her advice to any other woman experiencing abuse is to seek help, if they are “not happy or feel something is wrong”.
One other woman found herself married to a heavily medicated person whose moods varied from brooding silence to sudden, violent rage. Despite this, she had five children in her marriage, but to protect them, she spent entire days at the park, never knowing what state she would find her husband in at home.“The emotional toll of walking on eggshells became too much. The constant hypervigilance started having a physical impact, and I began to have panic attacks and fainting spells.” She tried to hide what she was going through from her children.
When she returned to Israel and told her family about some of the abuse, her parents were far from supportive.
“My parents reminded me that life as a divorcee in our community would be difficult, that my younger sibling’s shidduch prospects would be ruined and so would my children’s. They assured me that no marriage is simple, and that I owed it to my sibling to try again.”
This survivor’s experience is not unique. While some families welcome their daughters back, other women face rejection or ostracism from relatives determined to maintain appearances and secure future matches for other family members.
When these matches are arranged across borders, in some cases the bride’s family has heard rumors that the groom is potentially violent but they are assured that a therapist is helping to support him. Nonetheless, while mental health awareness has improved, experts told the JC that a few therapy sessions cannot resolve deep-rooted issues.
Charlotte Dunner works with women in the community seeking a get and said, “There is more understanding of mental health [in the community]… It is a subject that you can approach, which years ago was not the case. But there is still some way to go.”
Marriage can also exacerbate existing conditions. “There are all these new triggers,” Smith said. “Many of these men have never interacted with women other than their mother and sisters. Suddenly, they’re married to someone culturally different, with a language barrier.”
Marrying a man with severe mental health needs can mean women feel additional layers of entrapment. One woman said her husband sat on a rooftop threatening to jump every day. Another was told by her husband that his clinical psychosis was caused by her desire to wait to have a child, preventing him from fulfilling the mitzvah of procreating.
“My young clients tell me, ‘I’m not a mental health nurse or psychologist, I am not staying with someone to be their carer,’” says Rabbanit Ranie Smith, who supports women leaving abusive marriages.
These mental health conditions are often known about within the communities to which the men belong: “When you speak to relatives or friends, or rabbis and teachers, it’s often the case – though not always – that people will say, ‘We knew he was violent. We knew he had mental health issues,’” Smith said.
Yet the matches are arranged by families who believe they are making the right decision for their daughters. Some are deeply troubled when they realize they have guided their children towards an abuser.
Sam Clifford, CEO of Jewish Women’s Aid, says that “This is a community issue that cuts across religious, cultural and geographical boundaries, and it requires a collective urgent response. Every rabbi, community professional and frontline worker must be aware of what is happening.
“Vulnerable young Israeli women are being brought into the UK under the false promise of safety and stability, but instead are trapped in marriages where they face abuse, control and coercion.
“JWA is here to help these women, but we cannot do it alone. We are calling on the community to come together, to recognize the signs, to ask the difficult questions, and to ensure these women are not left suffering in silence.”
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