In a Yiddish video clip above, Yonasan Schwartz a "shadchan" laments the fact and states that it is the parents that are causing the shidduch crises. He talks about older singles who are now blaming their parent's constant refusal of prospects because they felt that the prospects were not good enough for their children, causing some of the girls to still be single at 45 and even older. Yonassan Schwartz is telling the older singles not to listen to their parents and give the prospects a chance.
My wife, who did over 50 shidduchim agrees. She says that most of the excuses from the parents turning down shidduchim are very petty, for example, "the boy is the same size as my daughter, she needs someone taller" " She needs someone shorter" "his mother is too fat" "I heard that the boy as a teenager worked as a lifeguard in a bungalow colony (the boy has since been married with five children, the girl is still around).
Just last week I talked a shidduch to a young man who lives in my building and is now 35, I told him about the girl, and he says "talk to my parents." when I spoke to the father I asked him what his son's plans were, he says his son wants a girl that will support him all his life because he dedicated his life to Torah! I tried explaining to him that his son who is now 35, and the fact that he still wants his parents to vet his prospects, that proves that he is still immature , how is he going to be a parent, and I cannot believe that there is a girl out there who is already in her late 20's or early 30's that wants a guy who will never ever support his family.This guy has no plans to even be in chinuch or striving to be a "shoel Umeishav" in a kollel, or a rebbe for that matter. The reason I was hard on him was because I was so frustrated, this family still has a girl that is 32 waiting for the older brother to get engaged. There is another son 28 still single as well.
I'm sure the parents are heartbroken but they need to break the strings and sit down the family to a meeting and tell them that everyone is free to get married to whomever they want and they as parents will not intervene.
The years are flying by, all their friends are married. Should this guy at 35 get married he will have a bunch of alte kockers dance at his wedding. This is not the worst thing, but I'm pointing out the craziness of all this.
PARENTS:
PARENTS:
IF YOUR CHILDREN ARE OVER 25 STAY THE HELL OUT OF YOUR CHILDREN'S SHIDDUCHIM! YOU ARE DESTROYING THEM AND THEIR FUTURE!
The problem often is that the parents are looking for someone who fits THEIR OWN situation, and not someone who is right for the children.
ReplyDeleteMy two grandfathers did not get along with one another, but their children, my parents, remained (mostly) happily married for more than 60 years.
With the mentality of many parents today, Yishmael and Eisav would be great prospects for their daughters, while they would reject out-of-hand idol-maker's son Avraham Avinu, or Moshe Rabbenu, who was raised in a goyish household and had a speech impediment.
Shadchonim aren't exactly innocent either!
ReplyDeleteThere is no shidduch crisis. There is a values crisis.
ReplyDeleteHere is an anecdote from my personal experience: An unmarried 28 year old girl recently asked me if I would suggest a shidduch for her. When I asked her what she is looking for in a marriage partner, she responded that she would like to meet someone of good character, a true Ben-Torah, not necessary someone who would make Torah study his avocation, but at least someone with a serious commitment to Torah knowledge. She wants someone from a solid family with a good reputation. Her idea of an eligible partner would be someone who takes the responsibility of providing for his family very seriously. It would be helpful if he were to be worldly, thoughtful, kind and considerate of others, and also of a physically pleasing aspect.
I told her that her that I think might have someone for her. I know of a 29 year old Lakewood bochur, who is an excellent Torah scholar, having contributed a number of articles to prestigious Torah journals. During the pandemic he got an online law degree from the University of Texas and has already received a number of offers of employment from law firms with a starting salary of $150K. He comes from a financially secure "haimishe", "Balbatishe" family, descended from important Rabbinical stock from both side of the family. He is 6 feet tald l, dark haired with a clear complexion, and a great smile. His is very popular among his friends, because he is so good natured with a great sense of humor. He has a fairly good singing voice and he plays 2 musical instruments.
The girl said that it sounds too good to be true and asked me what the catch is and why is he still single. I told her that there is no catch, but..... well, you see he is very "haimish", and he has a beard and payos (short and behind the ears), and although he is not that Chaddish; he doesn't run to Rebbes or anything like that, he just enjoys the flavor and camaraderie of Chasidim. He would even contemplate wearing a "Shtreiml" someday.
The girl told me, thanks but no thanks. I urged her to just give him a chance and meet him. She answered, never mind, the beard thing is a deal breaker. I guess she'd rather stay single.
As I started, there is no shidduch crisis, there is a values crisis.
Been declaring the previous for at least a decade & a half
ReplyDeleteThe new generation is considerably less so actually