by Baila Sebrow
When I became a shadchan at age 18, I joined a society of people who considered shadchanus to be a holy endeavor. I was so very young, and there was so much I wanted to learn. At that time the only people who considered themselves shadchanim were people known to be truly G-d fearing individuals who practiced shadchanus only lsheim mitzvah.
Wanting to do shadchanus the correct way, I chose mentors whom I could learn from and reach out to when there was a challenging shidduch situation. One such holy mentor, Z”L, was so pious that when she encountered an issue, she would run to the kevarim of Rabbonim and daven that the shidduch should come to fruition. Such were the only people I associated with in this field. Never in a million years would those holy neshamas dare to ask for even one cent from a person they were helping find a shidduch, even if they were in dire financial straits.
So, WHY, WHY, WHY has it suddenly become fashionable to pay a shadchan to talk to you? WHY has it become fashionable to pay a shadchan an exorbitant fee with no strings attached?
Who is to blame? YOU!!!
YOU ARE ENABLING THEM!
You are enabling a marketer when you are paying someone a fee to find you a shidduch. It’s fine if that’s what you want to do with your money. But, you are not getting any shidduch that’s exclusive, nor are you getting more time spent searching on your behalf.
Here’s what you need to know. Matchmakers who claim to have shidduchim that no one else has - do not have exclusive rights on men or women. There is no such thing as having an exclusive on any human being.
How does such a service work? You get charged from the very first meeting for the intake. Then they tell you how successful they are in finding matches, even though they have only been doing shadchanus for a short time. They lay out their hefty fee, and they basically promise you nothing. The vulnerable desperate single eager to end his or her loneliness provides the entrepreneur with a credit card number and voila, they gained a paying customer! To be fair they do some work for you in the beginning, so you won’t stop payment on your credit card.
Being that in many cases they have a small to none database, you, as the single man or woman starts getting “farmed out.”Meaning, while you think the matchmaker is confidential and searching privately for you, nothing is further from the truth. Plenty more behind the scenes awfulness goes on, that would cause the old-time pious shadchanim who are now in Gan Eden to shriek heavenly cries.
As an advocate for singles, I get almost daily calls, emails, and texts from singles who tearfully complain how they shelled out thousands of dollars to someone who convinced them that they would find them a shidduch like no one else could.
Sadly, other than validate these men and women, there’s nothing else I can do about the money they feel was wasted. However, prevention is the best medicine…
Singles, there are still many many wonderful shadchanim who are doing this mitzvah lishma, and they will never accept a penny from you unless you get engaged. They will advocate for you and go to bat for your dignity. In fact, it is the shadchanim who don’t charge a fee who have proven to demonstrate more kindness and compassion
Singles, stay strong. Do your hishtadlus. Daven for others and yourself to find a shidduch. You are not defenseless. Stay close to Hashem, and trust in Him. He is mezaveig zivugim.
Do not allow exploitation…Do not fall for any sweet talk…Keep your credit card in your wallet!
SINGLES, YOU HOLD THE POWER!!!
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