The letter:
After hearing about the tragic events last week, I read an article about how to talk to children about what had happened. One of the things it explained was how suicide is a final solution to a temporary problem. After reading the article I thought about how lucky I was that I didn’t need to speak to my kids about this. It also spoke about protecting the innocence of children. In my naivety, I thought they were too young, only 9 and 11. I would be saved from the hassle of needing to have a talk with them. Boy was I wrong. When they came home from school, they brought it up. However, the narrative was one that I did not want them to hear. It was full of falsehood and lies.
When I asked them why he killed himself, in order to learn about what they knew I was told a story that did not ring true. People had embarrassed him, and his books got stopped from being sold, and he was so ashamed that he killed himself. I was a bit shocked, hurt, and angry that this is what my children had been told. I needed time to formulate a response, and I thought long and hard about it. I realized that my children had been lied to, and were told many untruths.
When I heard about the unfortunate victim who took their life, I was filled with pain and sadness. Another suicide. So much hurt and confusion. I made a decision. If the naivety of my children must be broken, then I will be the one to do it. I will not wait for another crazy story to make the headlines and allow them to be scarred by the narrative of falsehood and cover-ups. We must be passed that, the time has come to uncover and face reality. Sexual abuse happens even in religious circles. They need to know about it. Awareness is protection. Through the knowledge that this exists, they can keep safe. I must protect them. It is not enough to just read books about safety in the general sense, and have it hidden amongst the importance of wearing a helmet and the like.
We took out the safety book and started to read it. When we got to the part about body safety, I stopped and said to them “He did not kill himself because he was embarrassed about his books. He killed himself because he did a terrible thing. He hurt children very very badly. He touched them in the places where you aren’t supposed to touch them, and then he got caught. He was so ashamed and scared of being in trouble that he killed himself. He used a final solution to a ‘temporary’ problem because he couldn’t take the responsibility for his actions, and that’s why he killed himself. His books aren’t being sold anymore because of the terrible things he did. Not because of Lashon Hara.”
I explained to them practical steps to protect themselves from such behavior, and if anyone would ever violate social norms, then they must report it to me as soon as anything happens. Even if they are threatened to keep it secret, or face grave consequences. Bad people say that because they are afraid of the consequences. One of the tactics that this predator used was if you tell anyone, no one will believe you because I am famous, and the victim was a nobody who would not be believed. I explained to my kids that we need to tell these things to adults.
It is so important that we take this seriously. Our children need to know that they can come to us with anything. It doesn’t need to be hidden. We need them to know that it is safe and that they will be believed. Our job is to then turn it over to the authorities, who can handle the information with professionalism.
I don’t speak because I want to, I speak because I must.
Please speak to your children, so that they don’t need to speak about themselves.
Binyomin Finkelstein
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