Girls Now "Talking in Learning" With Their Dates ... and He doesn't Like it One Bit

Published in FJJ (Ask the Shadchan)

 DEAR MRS. ROSE, 

Our son just went out with his first girl. Naturally, we did our homework and everything checked out to our satisfaction. We would be delighted if this would be his “bashert.” So, what’s the issue? Here goes… He went out on a second date after a very promising first date. The girl spent most of the date questioning him about his learning. What he is learning, where, (what sugya), why he is learning that particular inyan etc. It was obvious from the questions she asked that she did not have any understanding, not even elementary knowledge about “learning”. My son felt that there was no point in him being grilled by someone who doesn’t really “chap the inyan” It’s almost insulting! Even if she would have “chapped the inyan”, isn’t she overstepping her boundaries? It was only a second date, our son didn’t grill her about her schooling (not to say that he would have even begun to know what to ask her about her OT, PT, special ed choices). We have heard from other parents of boys in shidduchim that they have encountered similar scenarios. Are they being taught to ask these questions in Seminary? Do you think this makes any sense? 

Confused Mother of an Up and Coming Star Learner just Looking for a Wife

DIN: The mother comments that her son would not even "have begun to know what to ask her about her OT, PT, special ed choices"

Really? Are Yeshiva boys so ignorant that don't have a clue what OT, PT and Special Ed, are all about?  Is this guy living in a cave? And let's say, he didn't know, he can't ask her some questions about her vocation? Isn't she going to bring the "parnassah" home? This "Up and coming Star Learner" has no interest in anything she does which would effect him in every way? 

He is upset that she is "talking in learning" and questioning him?

She is going to support this guy and have children with him and she wants to know, if he is a serious learner. But he thinks there is no "point in him being grilled by someone (the one that he might marry) who doesn't really "chap" the inyan"... but it's ok for her son "not to chap the inyan" when it comes to OT, PT etc.!

Message to the girl: Run ..Run ..far away from this arrogant guy who suddenly becomes defensive when someone questions him on something he is supposedly dedicated his entire life to. Run from his mother...do you need a mother-in-law who finds your questioning "insulting"? Who thinks you "overstepped your boundaries?" You are better off marrying a guy who is working and learns at night and who won't mind "talking in learning" with you! This guy is an immature brat spoiled by a clueless mother who wants to know if those "questions are being taught in seminary" .. she wants to marry off her "star learner" to someone who she thinks cannot think for herself but was coached by her seminary teachers. Run..he will make a very bad husband! Too many red flags!

Message to the boy: You will be lucky to have her!

DEAR CONFUSED MOTHER…., 

Whoa! What an experience your son must have had! Usually, the zooming- in question is about “Hashkafos”. Usually discussed at about date three to four, usually initiated by the boy. This is a new one on me. I really think you’ve picked out a one and a million girl. Clearly, dating is about gradually getting to know a person’s qualities, strengths, direction in life etc. It should be a pleasant experience, not an interview and certainly not an interrogation. When people are put on the spot they tend to shut down and feel overwhelmed and negative feelings surface. Our seminaries teach respect for learning, love of learning, kovod habrios. They are not preparing our girls to be “chavrusas”. Most boys are looking for a wife, not a chavrusa and certainly not a “mashgiach”. This doesn’t make any sense to me, but given that the first date seemed to be great, there is potential here. I would love to be a fly on the wall and be able to see what REALLY transpired on the date. Certainly, do not drop the girl based on that scenario, (unless he didn’t pass her interrogation, and she needs something else, and therefore she’ll say no). Keep me posted, would love to hear how this plays itself out. At the end of the day, Bashert will prevail!

 Chana Rose